Caroline & Lost Love
by Jana
Summary: Caroline thinks Richard doesn't love her anymore... **Chapters 8 of 8
1. Default Chapter

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter One

By: Jana~

~~Disclaimer~~

(Link doesn't work? See below.)

*****

-- It wasn't that he didn't love her anymore, it was just that his love for her evolved into something… _else. _At least, that's what she told herself. 

He was good to her, he didn't yell at her or hit her. He always had a quick kiss 'hello' and 'goodbye' for her… he always asked how her day was. Under the circumstances, she should've just been grateful he stayed with her. She told herself that, too. A lot.

She tried to convince herself that they had just gotten 'comfortable', but in the back of her mind… nagging doubt.

It was seven years ago… seven years since the day her world changed forever. Seven years since he'd looked at her 'that way'. It seemed longer ago than that… to her.

*****

--She had gone down to the deli to pick up sandwiches for her and Richard, her assistant and boyfriend. It all happened so quickly… one second, she's paying for her take-out, the next… gunshots. 

She had wanted to hit the floor. Her brain told her to hit the floor, so when she did, she assumed it was of her own volition. Everything was in such chaos, the fact of the reality never entered her mind… till they were gone. 

There were six men in all, and she silently wondered as she watched through parted fingers why there were so many of them. It wasn't like it was Fort Knox… or something else heavily guarded. When they had their money, they left, and everyone sighed with relief, just happy to have survived one of New York's many armed robberies. Everyone began to stand and collect themselves, straightening their clothes and looking around at one-another in shock.

"Is everyone alright?" a voice called out…

That's when she had noticed it. She couldn't move. Well, she could move her arms, but not her legs. Confused as to why, she willed herself to move, like she just wasn't concentrating hard enough… not that she'd ever had to concentrate to perform such simple movements before. It was just because of the shock of the ordeal… she told herself.

"Hey, lady, are you alright?" a fellow victim asked her, holding his arm as blood trickled down… the result of flying glass.

"I don't know…" was all she could think of to say. She didn't know if she was alright or not.

"You're-- You're bleeding…" the man told her, still shaken…

"Where?" she looked at her arms and saw no blood…

"On your back."

That's when she started to feel dizzy, and her shaky appearance caused the man to yell… "This lady needs an ambulance! I think she's really hurt!"

--The last thing she remembered before waking up in the hospital was the sound of sirens and a crowd of people around her. When she woke up, Richard was by her hospital bedside, looking worried and disheveled…

"Richard?" Her voice sounded strange in her own ears…

"Caroline! Sweetie… I'm here." He held her hand tighter, squeezing it…

"What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

"I was at the deli…" she recalled… "Six men… guns… I passed out."

"You lost a fair amount of blood, but, they gave you some, so…" he trailed off…

"I was shot?"

He winced. She didn't remember… "Yes."

She looked down at herself briefly, trying to mentally decide where she must've been shot… "Where?"

"In your back."

"My back?" She wrinkled her brow as she tried to feel the pain… "It doesn't hurt."

A tear trickled down Richard's cheek… "They removed the bullet… which is good."

Her eyes grew wider, and he knew she was piecing it all together…

"Sweetie, the bullet did a lot of damage…" he choked out, forcing himself to remain calm… "You're-- You're paralyzed…"

*****

--And that was that. Everything was very different after that. She was in a wheelchair, so they had to install a wheelchair lift in her loft at the stairs so she could get into her bedroom. Her friends started treating her like she was made of porcelain and would break at any second. And then there was Richard. Outwardly, he didn't treat her much different, but she could sense a change in him. Nothing she could put her finger on, but the subtle change was noticeable… to her. She told herself it would take time for everyone, including herself, to get comfortable with the person she had become. Maybe that was why she didn't see things deteriorating, slowly as the years went on.

--Caroline was surprised when Richard had proposed marriage. Her smile and tears of joy faltered before saying yes, and she actually found herself asking him: 'Are you sure?' To which he said:

"Of course I'm sure, Caroline. I love you so much… I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

--She accepted, but deep down wondered if he was proposing out of pity. She forced those thoughts out of her head, determined to try and have 'happily ever after' with the man she loved with all her heart by her side.

--The wedding was beautiful. Annie was her maid of honor, Del was Richard's best man… her father gave her away. There were candles and roses everywhere. Then there was the wedding night. The honeymoon. That was the first real indication that something was wrong.

--The weeks and months following the shooting were stressful… emotionally and physically. She had a lengthy recovery time… she had physical therapy… she was struggling to cope mentally with what had happened to her. Mostly because of those reasons, her and Richard hadn't been intimate since that fateful day. When the wedding night was upon them, both were understandably nervous. Things had been much different the last time they'd made love… before her injury. Richard was worried about hurting her… and Caroline was worried that her crippled body and newfound limitations would turn him off.

As they consummated their marriage, one thing became obvious to Caroline… sex didn't feel the same. She had silently wondered about that… now, she knew. Richard, as he always did, waited for her to climax before allowing his own release, but she knew that wasn't going to happen. She'd told him to finish, and not to worry about her… the surprised look on his face made her wince. He had always been able to bring her to orgasm, and now, he wasn't able to.

When he recovered from his climax, he rolled over on his side and held her… and apologized…

"It's not your fault Richard…" she told him… "It's me. I'm… _broken_… I guess…"

He kissed her temple and held her tighter… "We have the rest of our lives to fix this Caroline…" he whispered, wiping a stray tear from her face… "Don't be sad. This is our wedding night."

She just nodded. This was just another 'thing' that proved that her life would never be anything like it was… and it frustrated her.

--That was when it first began. Sure, it didn't happen overnight, but as the years stacked one on the other, it _did_ happen. Richard withdrew from her.

He was sweet and kind and always had quick kisses and an interest in her day, but other than that, there was almost no physical contact. She blamed herself. She felt unattractive, her legs suffering atrophy, looking thin and stick-like… her legs were her best feature before the shooting… she thought.

--At first, Richard _did_ try… he tried to bring her pleasure when they made love, but failure after failure made him feel horrible… and like less of a man. After a while, they went from making love twice a week to twice a month. As the months passed, that changed from 2 times a month to once every 2 to 3 months. Within the first few years of marriage, they'd dropped to twice a year.

Caroline, even though she couldn't experience any sexual satisfaction, liked the closeness making love to her husband brought her, but he often turned her down, saying that he just simply wasn't in the mood. Or he didn't feel well… or was stressed about one thing or another. Excuse after excuse. 

She finally decided his lack of interest was because he didn't find her desirable any longer. He still cared about her, but, he wasn't 'in love' with her. He stayed out of duty… she thought.

He always gave her a quick kiss and an apology when he would deny her… like that would soften the blow. It didn't. When asking failed repeatedly, she began to beg… he still offered thin reasons and excuses.

Ok, so, she couldn't feel him inside her… she couldn't orgasm… but she still wanted that connection with him. Couldn't he understand that?

But then, she felt guilty… like she needed to _stop_ 'complaining' and just be grateful. A lot of significant others or spouses leave if their love becomes disabled… Richard didn't. Richard stayed… married her… and would help her daily. So, he didn't have sex with her… Caroline could think of a lot worse things.

--She kept it all inside, not feeling as though she had anyone she could talk to about it. Eventually, as their 7th anniversary approached, she confided in Annie…

**__**

TO BE CONTINUED…

Disclaimer located at:

http://www.geocities.com/janaonwheels2001/disclaimer.html


	2. Two

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter Two

By: Jana~

~~Disclaimer~~

(Link doesn't work? See below.)

*****

--"Hey Care…" Annie greeted her friend as she walked in the door… "Where's Richie?" She headed straight for the coffeemaker…

"The gallery. Raymond called, freaking out about something…"

"Raymond? Which one is he? The short, gay one with the dark glasses?"

"No, that's Howard. Raymond is the gallery assistant… tall, no glasses…"

"Oh, right, the only straight guy down there besides Richie!"

Caroline barely acknowledged her… "Mmm…"

"So… 7th anniversary comin' up, huh? What do you have planned?"

"Nothing really…" she continued working on her comic strip…

"Why not? Seven years of marriage is nothing to sneeze at!"

"I guess." She set her pencil down and wheeled towards the kitchen with her empty coffee mug…

"Hey, you know what the 7th anniversary is, right?"

Caroline shrugged… "Gold? Silver?"

Annie shook her head… "Righteous sex!"

Caroline forced a smirk as she struggled to wheel back to her drafting table with her full cup of hot coffee… Annie grabbed it and helped her…

--One thing Annie noticed after the shooting, as the years had passed… her best friend became distant and withdrawn. She thought that time would heal her wounds and she'd eventually regain some of her previous perkiness, but it didn't… it only got worse. Like she was just going through the motions of life.

"So, ya'know, if you and Richie wanna take off for the weekend or something, I'll watch Salty for ya."

"Thanks, but I don't think we'll be going anywhere."

"Why not?"

Caroline sighed… "What's the point?"

"What's the point?" Annie repeated… "Sex in your own bed gets boring! Going on a romantic getaway can spice things up! It keeps sex fresh and fun!"

"Yeah, that's not really an issue." Caroline's gaze never left her panel…

Annie watched her for a moment, a sudden twinge of concern creeping into her heart… "Caroline? Is something wrong?"

She stopped drawing, but her eyes remained on her work…

"Caroline?" she approached and set her hand on her shoulder… "You know you can talk to me, right?"

She hesitated before answering… "I know."

"What's going on? Is something going on between you and Richie?" She could tell by her silence that _something_ _was_ wrong… "Talk to me Caroline."

"It's nothing. Really…"

"I don't think so. You need to talk to me Caroline. Is Richie… _doing_ something?"

Caroline just looked at her for a moment, then… comprehension. Annie thought Richard was hurting her… "No, Annie! No. It's nothing like that."

"Then, what is it?"

"I really shouldn't say. You know how Richard likes his privacy…"

"This isn't about Richie! This is about _you!_ Talk to me."

"It's just… after the accident… things changed."

Annie frowned in concentration, trying to understand… "Yeah…?"

"In the bedroom…" Caroline added shyly…

"Oh!" Annie finally caught on… "Why? What's the problem?"

"The shooting messed things up for me. I can't really… _feel…_ anything."

"At all?"

"Pretty much."

"Oh, hun, I'm _so_ sorry."

"And I guess that fact turned Richard off, cause he won't make love to me anymore."

"Oh, hunny! At all?"

"Well, no. Not exactly…"

"How often do you two… mix it up?"

"Twice a year." she admitted hesitantly… "Sometimes three times…"

Annie gasped in surprise…

"And, ok, I can't feel anything… but I like being connected to him… in that way… ya'know?"

"Well, yeah! Sweetie, have you talked to him?"

"Yeah. He always has an excuse or whatever. He says he loves me…"

Annie shook her head… "What does _he _do? Go solo?"

"I'm afraid to ask."

"Oh, sweetie, that's just not right!"

"Maybe. And I know I should just be grateful that he's still here…"

"What?"

"Because he stayed… even though I'm disabled…"

"How magnanimous of him!" Annie scoffed… "So, because you're in a wheelchair, he doesn't have to show you physical love?"

"He does. He kisses me."

"Deep and passionate or little pecks?"

Caroline winced… "Pecks."

"Caroline, you shouldn't have to settle for a lack-luster love life just cause you're in a wheelchair! What he's doing to you isn't right!"

"He's a good man, Annie. He just… he just doesn't find me desirable any longer. I can't blame him really…"

"What?!"

"Let's be honest Annie… I'm not the woman he fell in love with. I'm lucky he's here with me. I'm lucky to have him."

"God, hunny, why didn't you talk to me about this earlier?"

She shrugged… "I didn't want to burden you…"

"Bull Caroline. You didn't cause you knew I'd ream you out! And kill him! You don't have to take this from him!"

"Take what from whom?" Richard asked as he walked through the door…

When Annie opened her mouth to chew him out, Caroline rolled in front of her… "The long distance sales pushers…" she quickly replied… "How was everything at the gallery?"

"Oh, fine. You know how Howard freaks. And Ray just can't cope with him." He smiled and kissed her hello… "You have that panel ready for me to color yet?"

"Yeah." Caroline shot Annie a look, telling her to drop the conversation, to which Annie rolled her eyes…

"I'll see ya later, Caroline. We'll _talk _later." Annie emphasized the word 'talk', throwing Richard a dirty look that he didn't see before turning to leave…

She frowned at her friend's retreating back… "Ok, Annie."

Richard sat at his drafting table while Caroline rolled up to the lowered table… "What was that all about?"

Caroline shrugged as she handed Richard the finished panel… "Just Annie being Annie."

He nodded with a smile… "Enough said." He got to work right away, picking and choosing colors he would need, rethinking them and choosing different colors… and the entire time, she watched him. "Why are you staring at me Caroline?"

"Just thinking…"

"About?"

"Well, our anniversary is coming up…"

He looked up and smiled warmly at her… "I know."

"And I was thinking… maybe we could do something special?"

"Like what?"

"Well, maybe we could go away for the weekend?"

He looked up from his work… "Well, that weekend I have the opening with the new artists…"

"Can't Ray handle it?"

He shook his head… "Ray is a great assistant… great for spotting talent… he does _not _do well under pressure."

"Well, we could go the weekend after, maybe."

"Where is it you want to go exactly?"

"I don't know…" she started to fidget… "Someplace… romantic?"

His eyes left her and slowly moved back to the panel… "Who would watch Salty?"

"Annie volunteered." She replied quickly, taking his question as a sign he was considering it…

"I don't know if I can get away from the gallery…"

Disappointed, she looked away… "Ok, then…" she fought back her tears… "It was just a thought…"

"Maybe some other time. We can go out to dinner though. Anywhere you want."

"Ok. Petries I guess."

"Sure!" he smiled… "I'll make the reservations as soon as I'm done here."

She nodded, then wheeled to the bathroom.

--Once in the bathroom, she turned on the water to drown out the sound of her crying. She silently cursed Annie for putting ideas in her head… it was hard enough coping with Richard's lack of attention… but she set herself up for that rejection. Of course he'd say 'no'.

But it wasn't really Annie she was mad at… or even Richard… it was herself. Although she'd never admit it to Richard or her friends, she blamed herself for being disabled.

If she hadn't gone to the deli… if she had ordered Chinese food or pizza, something that could've been delivered. If she had just dropped to the floor a few moments sooner… then she wouldn't be paralyzed in a wheelchair, and Richard would still be attracted to her.

--She splashed cold water on her face and patted it dry, then checked her reflection in the mirror… her eyes were still a little puffy. It would have to do… she had work to do.

--"Are you alright?" Richard asked considerately…

"Yeah…" she lied… "Did you have plans for lunch?"

"No, why? Did you?"

"Kinda. I wanted to eat with Annie at Remo's."

"Sure. I'll grab a bite at the gallery."

She nodded, then headed for the door…

"Where are you going?" he asked as she grabbed her coat…

"Remo's? Annie?" she reminded…

He checked his watch… "Kinda early for lunch…"

"We'll eat brunch then."

He smiled… "Ok. Have fun."

--Caroline rolled to Annie's door and knocked twice… loudly…

"Hey Caroline…"

"Wanna go to Remo's?"

Annie scowled in confusion, noticing her friend seemed upset… "Sure." She grabbed her coat off the hook… "Is something wrong?" she added as she slipped her arms into the sleeves…

"I'll fill you in when we get there."

"Ok." She nodded in agreement as she shut and locked the door…

****

TO BE CONTINUED…

Disclaimer located at:

http://www.geocities.com/janaonwheels2001/disclaimer.html


	3. Three

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter Three

By: Jana~

*****~*****

--Remo greeted Caroline and Annie warmly, as he always did, then ushered them to a seat, skipping off to get them their breadsticks…

"Ok, Caroline, spill it. What happened?"

Caroline sighed as she opened her menu… "He said 'no'…"

"Said 'no' to what?"

"Going away for our anniversary."

Annie sighed angrily… "And what excuse did the jackass give?"

"He's not a jackass Annie…"

"He's not a husband!"

"He's a good man, but…" she trailed off… hesitated…

"But…?" Annie encouraged her to continue…

"_But_… I think we need help."

"Well, _he_ does, anyway."

Caroline scowled… "I meant like with a marriage counselor, Annie."

"To be honest, that's probably a good idea."

"What's a good idea?" Remo asked as he set the basket of breadsticks on the table…

"Caroline and Richard going to a marriage counselor…" Annie replied without thinking, and Caroline nudged her shoulder in response…

"Uh-oh! Are you and Ricardo having marital problems?"

"Not really…" Caroline answered Remo after glaring at Annie… "Just have a few issues to work out is all."

"Caroline?" Johnny, the waiter approached… "You have a phone call."

She acknowledged him and followed him to the phone, which gave Annie and Remo a chance to talk…

"So, Annie, what's going on with Carolina and Ricardo?"

"She _just _confided in me that he is _major _stingy in the 'love' department… if you know what I mean."

"Really?" he sat to talk to her further…

--Caroline picked up the phone as Johnny hit the proper extension button…

"Yes?" she said into the phone curiously…

"Hi Caroline, it's me…"

She recognized Richard's voice immediately… "Hey! What's up?"

"I wanted to tell you, I'm also finished with the panel, and I called Charlie, so he's on his way to pick it up. And then I'm heading back to the gallery before Ray has an aneurysm."

"What's his problem now?"

"The banner for the opening has _several _misspellings."

"Knowing Raymond, he's probably about ready to explode…"

Richard laughed… "Exactly. So, I'll be awhile, but I should be home for dinner. Want to bring something on my way home?"

"I'm still thinking about lunch… so, I don't know. Call me later and ask?"

"Sure. Love you." He always ended his phone calls that way…

"Love you too." She replied automatically… the words losing all meaning after so many years… "Bye."

--"I can't believe Ricardo would be so cruel…" Remo shook his head in disappointment…

"Well, believe it."

"That was Richard…" Caroline informed as she approached the table, Remo immediately standing and retreating… "He's heading back to the gallery…"

"Of course he is…" Annie replied sourly…

"And what is _that_ tone for?" Caroline asked as she picked her menu up… "You'd think Richard was denying _you _sex…"

Annie recoiled… "Ugh! Caroline! Please! I'm about to be eating here!"

"I just don't get what _you're _so upset about…"

"I'm upset cause my best friend is unhappy! My best friend's _husband _cares more about his _precious_ art gallery than his own wife!"

"You're not helping, Annie…" Caroline complained softly… "I knew I shouldn't have told you…"

"I'm not trying to make you feel worse, Caroline… but I'm worried about you! You've seemed so… _distant_… since… that day. And now I know why!"

"Look, forget I said anything, ok? Please? This isn't doing me any good… to have you upset with him… and, I have enough to deal with, alright?"

Annie looked at her for a moment, realizing just how much hurt she was going through by the look in her eyes… "Sure. I'm sorry, Caroline…"

"It's ok. I know you mean well… and I love you. But, it's just-- I just need to-- I need to deal with this in my own way. Can you understand that?"

"Yeah…" Annie nodded… "I can…"

*****~*****

--Caroline rolled up to her door with Annie in tow. She barely got the key in the door when it jerked open from the inside…

"Skating through…" Charlie announced as he exited Caroline's loft, almost skating right into her and Annie…

"Hey, Charlie…" Caroline smiled… "Haven't seen you around much…"

"Yeah, been busy with my new past time!" He spun around twice, once to hit the elevator button, once just because…

"Oh yeah? And what's that?"

"Roller-football!" he exclaimed excitedly… "Three guys on each team, and the whole point is to make touchdowns and avoid getting tackled! Those _hurt _on concrete!" He rolled up his sleeve to show a multitude of band-aids and bruises in various stages of healing…

"Why don't you play on the grass? Like _real _football players do?" Annie asked…

"Oh, we tried that…" he explained as he rolled onto the elevator… "But these things" he pointed at his rollerblades "suck on grass!" 

He waved goodbye as the doors closed, and Caroline and Annie shared a look of disbelief before entering Caroline's apartment…

Annie shook her head as she followed Caroline into the kitchen… "How he ever got someone to marry him, I'll never know…"

"Well, Phoebe is as weird as he is."

"True. Guess it proves, there is someone for everyone…"

"That brings up a good point…" Caroline stated as she grabbed herself and Annie a bottle of Snapple tea out of the fridge… "When are you and Del gonna tie the knot?"

"Oh, we did that last night." Annie replied casually, and then laughed when Caroline gasped in surprise… "Well, not so much 'tying knots' as getting handcuffed a little…"

Caroline slapped her jokingly… "Not talking kinky sex you pervert. I'm talking about marriage!"

"We're just not ready…"

"You've been together for 7 years! You pretty much have a marriage without the ceremony!"

"I know, I know. But I think it's the ceremony idea that has him freaked out…"

Caroline shook her head… "Yeah. He always said 'the 3rd marriage will be the last marriage'."

"Yep! He thinks the second we say 'I do', it'll change everything and I'll want to divorce him and take away the last of his property and pride."

"That would upset me, I would think. To have him just assume that we _would _get a divorce and that I _would_ take everything of his in the settlement."

"Yeah. We've had that argument, but it's just that Jill really did a number on him. He's just… being cautious…"

"Overly so. Maybe he's just in it for the sex…"

Annie looked hurt by her comment… "Well, at least he _has _sex with me." She regretted saying it the second the statement left her mouth…

"That's because you're still beautiful. When your looks go, then where will you be?"

It was turning ugly, and Annie's first instinct of slapping her moved aside and made way for the obvious thought… she couldn't hit a disabled person…

"I'm gonna go…" Annie headed for the door… "Before we _both _say something we're likely to regret later…"

"Sure! Run away! Truth hurts, huh?"

Annie turned back and glared at her best friend, then shook her head… "I'll talk to you later…" She opened the door and took a step out… "When _you _aren't so--" she stopped herself, holding up her hand as if to show that she wouldn't stoop to name-calling, then walked out the door and shut it behind her…

Tears splashed down Caroline's face… both from anger and sadness, and she grabbed the first thing she could get her hands on and chucked it at the door…

The empty glass vase shattered on the door, sending shards flying to the floor with a sound not unlike hail hitting the sidewalk on a cold winter's day.

*****~*****

--Annie walked into the art gallery with purpose, ignoring the tall, gangly, irritating assistant of Richard's as she searched for him…

"You really can't be disturbing him…" Ray whined as he followed her…

"Tell me where he is or leave me alone." Annie snipped, looking at him sternly before continuing her search… "Richie!" she yelled, hoping he would find her if he heard her… "Richie! Get your tight ass out here!"

Her plan worked, and Richard appeared a few moments later from a back office… "Annie?" he looked at her with concern… she never showed up at his gallery… "What are you doing here?"

"You need to go home to Caroline."

His eyes grew wide with fear… "What happened? Is she alright?"

"We had a fight…"

He eyed her incredulously… "Is that all?"

"When I left, she threw something at the door. A plate maybe. Something glass… I heard it break…"

"Why did she do that? What did you do to her?"

"It's not about what I did to her!" she snapped… "It's about what you _don't _do to her!"

"What are you talking about?!" he asked, upset and getting angrier…

"I know about your…" she hesitated, seeing that their argument had drawn a crowd… "I know about your… _lack of interest_." 

He just looked at her for a moment, trying to determine what she meant, then, it hit him. He understood what she meant, and shock made way for embarrassment, which made way for offense… "Let's talk about this in my office…" He pointed down the hall, then led the way to his office…

--They entered the office, then he closed the door… "Tell me now, _in detail,_ just _what _are you talking about."

**__**

TO BE CONTINUED…

Disclaimer located at:

http://www.geocities.com/janaonwheels2001/disclaimer.html


	4. Four

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter Four

By: Jana~

****

*****

--Richard and Annie entered the small office at the back of the gallery… once in, he closed the door… "Tell me now, _in detail,_ just _what _are you talking about."

"Enough with the Mr. Innocence act, Richie, I know all about your cruel treatment!"

"What?! Caroline told you I treat her cruelly?"

"Not in so many words! But what would _you_ call it?!"

"I honestly have no idea what you are talking about…"

"Oh, you don't, huh? So, you're just hubby number one, right? Saint Richie…"

"Annie, I don't have time for this. Start explaining or get out. I have a lot of work to do…"

"I'm talking about you _denying _Caroline!"

"Denying her?" he asked, confused… "Denying her what?

"Sex!" she stated, probably a bit louder than she should have… "You deny her sex! And don't bother to deny it!"

"I do no such thing!" he snapped back… "And what happens between Caroline and I in the privacy of our bedroom is certainly NOT _your _concern!"

"It becomes my concern when she looks to me to lean on and cry on because her _husband _doesn't act like he loves her anymore!"

"That's preposterous! Of course I love her! And she knows I love her! I tell her everyday!"

"Telling isn't enough! Why don't you try showing it! You know, she's still a woman, even though she's disabled… she still has wants and desires!"

He rolled his eyes… "I know that Annie… it's just-- It's complicated. There are things you don't understand…"

"Oh, don't I? I know she can't _feel _like she did before…" 

Richard looked at her with a shocked expression… "What?" he asked softly…

"That's right! I know all about all of it! And I also know that you have near-about cut her off just cause she's _'broken'."_

"That's not _my _word! That's _her_ word!"

"It doesn't matter who's word it is! You got it in your thick head a long time ago that just cause she can't feel stuff the same way, that _that _must mean she doesn't need sex! Well, surprise! She does! She needs it and wants it and is feeling unloved and undesirable cause you won't give it to her! You have her convinced that you stay out of duty, and that you don't make love to her cause you find her unattractive."

"That's not true!"

"Then, why do you turn her down when she asks for sex?"

He slowly shook his head… "I don't know…"

"Bull, Richard. She has near-about begged… you always make excuses!"

"I thought she was doing it for my benefit…"

"Doing what for your benefit?"

"Offering herself to me for my benefit…"

"Oh, that's the biggest load of bull I have ever heard! You could fertilize the Whitehouse lawn with that amount of bullshit!"

He glared at her, then paused before sitting heavily in his chair… "Ok, you win. You're right… that's not entirely true. I was just-- I was sick of feeling like a failure. Every time… and she would just lie there… waiting for--" he hesitated as his voice cracked… "Waiting…" he whispered with a shake of his head… "I tried. I honestly did, but… I couldn't… _please_ her."

Annie sighed… "It's not about the 'Big O', Richie, it's about the closeness. The connection. She just wants to feel _that _close to you. She just wants _you!"_ She patted him on the shoulder… "Although why I have never been able to understand…" she added, breaking the tension…

He smirked… "Mmm-hmm. Ok, so, you have all the answers, what do I do now?"

"You don't know? It really _has _been a long time!"

"Shut up and answer the question."

"She wanted to go away for your guys' 7th anniversary. Take her someplace romantic and make love to her till you're both exhausted! That's my recommendation."

He nodded in agreement… "That's a good idea." He grabbed the phonebook off his desk and flipped it open to travel agents… "Why were you guys fighting?"

"We said stuff we didn't mean… in the heat of the moment…"

"Like?"

"She said that Del was probably only staying with me for the sex, so I kinda came back with 'At least I get sex'…"

He looked up from the phone book and shot her a disgusted look…

"Hey! I didn't say I was proud of it! I'll apologize later."

"And she really broke something?"

"Pretty sure. It sounded glass… and like it hit the door."

"I'll head home as soon as I make the arrangements for our getaway…"

"Ok," Annie smiled as she turned for the door… "My work here is done…" she opened the door, then shot him a smile… "I'll mail you my bill."

He just shooed her away.

*****~*****

--Caroline had swept up three times, but she was still finding bits of glass she missed. Irritated with herself, she grumbled about how it served her right when she would find the bits and shards, straining to clean it up each time. She put the broom and dustpan away for the umpteenth time, then rolled back to her desk…

"Hey sweetie…" Richard greeted her as he walked in the door…

"Oh. Hey…" she was surprised to see him… "I wasn't expecting you home so soon…"

"I left early…" he kissed her softly, then kneeled beside her… "I wanted to show you something." He handed her a brochure from a romantic bed and breakfast…

Caroline looked at it with confusion… "What is this?"

"You wanted to go away for our anniversary…"

"We're going to this?" she asked, looking at him with a smile that barely curled at the corners of her mouth… "How?"

"I made all the arrangements. For this weekend, if that's ok. That way, I can still supervise Ray on opening night."

"Seriously? We're really going?"

"Yes. We are. And I'm so sorry I wasn't paying closer attention to your needs. I'm sorry I'm not a better husband…"

She eyed him warily… "Did Annie talk to you?"

"That's not important…" he told her gently… "This is…" He leaned in to her, kissing her tenderly, and all too soon, the kiss grew… intensified…

He scooped her out of the chair, their lips locked in passion as he headed for the stairs…

"Room?" he asked against her lips… she mumbled in the affirmative as he climbed the stairs.

--He lied her gently on the bed, crawling in beside her and running his hand up her shirt… she moaned and squirmed slightly as he adored her with his lips and fingers…

Clothes were nothing more than brief obstacles that found their way to the floor in an unorganized pile as their desires begged to be quenched…

He left her side for a moment, setting several pillows against the headboard, then smiling at his love as he returned to her…

"I want to try something…" he whispered to her as he gathered her into his arms. He rolled with her so that he was beneath her, then scooted up to a sitting position, leaning against the pillows that sat against the headboard.

He adjusted her legs so that it was like she was kneeling, straddling him, her body pressed against him as she leaned into him…

"Are you comfortable?" he asked as he kissed her neck…

"Yes." She whispered her reply…

"Reach behind me…" he instructed… "Grab hold of the headboard…"

She did what he said, then soon realized what he was attempting. Using her upper body strength, she helped by using the headboard as leverage as Richard lifted her by the hips and gently guided her down onto his arousal.

His eyes fluttered shut at the sensation, and Caroline felt a hunger grow as she watched his reactions to their lovemaking.

His hands gripped her hips as he helped her move with him, the pace slow and sensual… his release building and approaching with each gentle thrust…

But then, something happened… she moaned. His eyes flew open and he looked at her, her face contorted in pleasure…

"Caroline?" his voice was quiet, as if a louder one would break some mystical trance… her eyes opened slowly to look at him… "Are you--? Does this… feel… _good?"_

Her eyes drifted closed again and she nodded slightly…

Encouraged, he began kissing her everywhere he could reach. Her neck… her shoulder… her lips… her breasts… he licked her taught nipples and she moaned louder, biting her lower lip in a way that made Richard ache…

She whimpered, her brow furrowing in obvious concentration…

"Tell me what you need, Caroline…" he breathed… "Tell me what you need from me…"

"It's perfect… like this…" was her near-breathless reply…

Richard was so overcome with emotion as he watched her facial expressions, he almost felt like he might cry. He hadn't seen that look of sexual satisfaction on her face in over seven years. Usually while they made love, she just watched him… her only enjoyment the sights and sounds of his gratification.

Her breathing came in gasps… "I'm close…"

Adrenaline shot through him like a bolt of electricity… "What do you need me to do?"

"Speed up… a little…" Her body becoming tense with anticipation… "Help me…" she whimpered…

He watched her scowl, and he knew she was close… "I love you so much, Caroline…"

A low groan escaped as she tensed and froze, shaking from the pleasure. Richard's job became harder as she was no longer helping with their movements… she was just drowning in sensation, and he watched as she floated in ecstasy before collapsing against him…

He held her tight, his own need for release aching in his groin… but at that moment, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered except Caroline.

She slowly found her voice as she recovered… "How did you know?"

"Know?" he asked…

"About that position…"

"I didn't. I just thought we might try it…"

"It was amazing…" she hummed… "You were amazing…"

He nuzzled into her neck, his hips grinding slightly as he ached to move within her…

She pulled back and looked at him… "Did you--?"

He shook his head, a slight smile on his face… "No."

"Oh, hunny, I'm sorry!"

"Don't be…" he kissed her lips… "I couldn't be happier right now…"

"I think we can make you a little bit happier…" she grinned, raising her eyebrows suggestively…

He smiled and kissed her shoulder as he gathered her into his arms and rolled over on the bed, her then beneath him…

The pace started out slow, but need pushed him to a faster pace. It didn't take long… he grunted softly and shuddered as his orgasm washed over him, Caroline watching as his expression changed from concentration to pleasure.

When he quieted, he rolled beside her and pulled her close to him, the wordless silence speaking volumes. He reached down for the thin blanket that laid folded at the foot of the bed, then covered them both in it as he held her tight…

"You did talk to Annie, didn't you?" Caroline finally spoke up…

He nodded just slightly…

"What did she say to you?"

"She just helped me to see that I have been neglecting your needs." He sighed… "It will never happen again, believe me."

He kissed her temple, and she hummed at the simple show of affection, they nodded off minutes later…

**__**

TO BE CONTINUED…

Disclaimer located at:

http://www.geocities.com/janaonwheels2001/disclaimer.html


	5. Five

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter Five

By: Jana~

*****~*****

--"And Salty likes to have a half a can before bedtime…" Caroline droned on as she left instruction for Annie… "And if she hides under the bed, if you shake her little container of treats, she'll come out. And--"

"Caroline." Annie interrupted her… "Salty will be fine! Will you just forget about her and go have yourself a wonderful anniversary!"

"Ok, ok… but I left you the number of the inn on the fridge in case you have any questions…"

Annie shook her head… "Caroline, I think I can handle one little cat! I did, after all, play a cat on Broadway for years!" she reminded proudly…

"And if Salty breaks into song about 'memories', please be sure to call us…" Richard joked, turning his attention away from Annie and to Caroline, his arms weighed down with luggage… "C'mon hun, we're gonna miss the ferry."

After giving Caroline a hug, Annie pushed them out the door and on their way… "Have fun!" she called out as the elevator doors closed them from view…

*****

--The ferry ride at sunset was a very romantic beginning to their weekend, the sky turning beautiful shades of orange, pink, and purple accompanied Caroline and Richard's soft, tender kisses.

Richard had always been conservative when it came to public displays of affection, but he found as he sat beside his beautiful wife that his need to show her love far outweighed the need to be discreet. 

People looked at them as they passed by… some snickered, but most just did a double take then looked away… and it didn't matter to either of them… until…

There were three teenagers in all… a fairly uninteresting group, not really creating too much noise or trouble… just wandering around the boat mostly, talking and laughing about inane things… but then they wandered around to where Caroline and Richard were…

"God! Get a room!" one of the boys shouted at them…

"Shit! She's a gimp!" another boy exclaimed… "You _gotta_ be a dork if you can't do any better than a _cripp!"_ All three then started laughing raucously…

Richard stood and glared at the boys, his stance somewhat aggressive, and the teenagers all scoffed at the action and walked away…

He noticed her tears right away, and he sat beside her and wiped them gently from her face… "Don't cry over them…" he whispered in her ear as he kissed it… "They're not worth it."

"I know…" she agreed, her gaze on her lap… inwardly, she knew they were just silly teenagers making stupid comments in an effort to feel 'big', but she couldn't help but be upset and saddened by their words.

He held her hand for the remainder of the ferry ride, kissing her fingers, her cheek, her hair… but it was more of a consoling affection than a passionate one.

*****

--They got to the inn, both remaining silent as they were shown to their room… and as Richard tipped the bellboy, Caroline started to unpack…

"Do you like the room?" he asked after the bellboy left…

"It's wonderful…" her tone didn't mirror her words…

"Is there something wrong? With the room?"

She shook her head… "No…" Her attention remained on the task of unpacking…

"You're not still thinking about those hoodlums, are you?"

She didn't answer…

"Caroline, you can't let stupid people get to you like this! Who cares what they think?"

"It's not stupid to me Richard, ok?"

"Caroline, that's not what I meant. I know their words were hurtful. I wish I could take the pain away that they caused…"

She shook her head as if to show he was assuming wrongly what was the cause of her being so upset… "It all just hit a little too close to home, Richard… ok?"

"What do you mean?"

"For seven years I have felt as if-- It's like you stay with me out of duty. Or pity."

"That's nowhere near true." he replied defensively… 

"It feels true. Especially when, for as long as we've been married, you've barely touched me…"

He sighed and sat heavily on the bed… "I neglected your needs, I know that. I admit that… and I want more than anything to make it up to you… but my lack of attention to your sexual needs has nothing to do with your being disabled."

She looked at him with an expression of disbelief, and he hung his head for a moment before elaborating…

"Ok, maybe not 'nothing'… but very little. It had more to do with the idea that I was unable to… _please _you. I felt like a failure… like I was unworthy to have you…" he hesitated, trying to gather his thoughts… "And maybe other things too that I don't fully understand… but, it certainly wasn't because I don't love you! And I didn't marry you or stay with you out of duty. I married you and I stay with you because I love you."

"I love you too."

"So…" he approached her… "Let's forget about stupid people with stupid comments and start celebrating our anniversary." He ran his hands slowly through her hair, and she closed her eyes at the feel of his fingers entwined in her curls…

She hummed softly, a sound he was fairly sure she didn't even know she was making, and he scooped her out of the chair and laid her on the perfectly made bed. He stripped first as she watched, and he smiled at her as he noticed her blush slightly.

Slowly, he slid into bed with her, kissing her and caressing her as he removed her clothes oh-so-slowly. He knew she was becoming anxious, and his purposeful, leisurely attentions were like a kind of torture they both loved.

With her clothes tossed aside, his affections became intense, foreplay making its way to passionate lovemaking.

When their desires were completely quenched, they curled up under the blankets and soon, both fell asleep.

*****

--Caroline had slipped quietly out of bed, careful so as not to wake her sleeping husband. It wasn't unusual for her to have trouble sleeping, especially when she was in a strange bed. She watched him sleep for a while, but grew anxious and decided to look out the window at the scenery instead.

She had a lot on her mind… and it felt like all her thoughts were threatening to burst through, splitting her head in two.

She loved Richard… she knew that without question, and he had been so attentive to her needs within the last several days before their trip. She silently worried how long this change in him would last, but then those worries made way for new worries.

She wanted to tell him… talk to him about it, but she was afraid of how he would react. She knew he wouldn't hurt her… that wasn't her concern… but she was worried that he would become upset or agitated and push her away again. She'd loved so much being back in his arms, she didn't know if she could bear to have him retreat away from her again.

--Richard awoke to feel the emptiness beside him, Caroline no longer in his arms… in bed…

He sat up and wiped his eyes, then grabbed for his glasses off the small bedside table.

Caroline sat in her wheelchair, looking out the window at the moonlit grass of sharp green and the many flowers of bright, various colors. She touched the pane of glass, reminding herself just how cold it was outside, then tucked her hand back under the small throw blanket she had wrapped around her upper body.

Richard climbed out of bed, and although Caroline knew he had, and that he was approaching her, she never moved and she didn't look to him…

"You ok?" he asked as he knelt beside her, resting his head against her shoulder…

"Yeah…" she whispered… "Just thinking…" she added…

"About?"

"Us… mostly…"

"Us?"

"Yeah. What we've become."

"What have we become?"

"You tell me…"

He sighed, grabbing a chair that sat nearby and scooting it up to sit beside her… "I don't know what to say…"

"Is this how you pictured your life?"

"Married to a wonderful woman? A successful gallery? No… I imagined my life to be shit. My life is far greater than I ever imagined…" he looked down as he picked at his fingernails… "I just wish you could say the same."

She hesitated before replying… "I do too."

He winced at her words… "I want to make it up to you, Caroline, I really do--"

"It's not just that…" she interrupted… "It's not just the lack of sex and the feelings of being unwanted and burdensome…"

"Ok, then what is it?"

She took a deep breath, and he knew she was gathering the courage to say whatever was on her mind. He briefly wondered if she was going to ask for a divorce, but he quickly pushed that from his mind. The last several days had seen them closer than ever… he was sure it wasn't that…

"I feel like something is missing. Like my life is incomplete…"

"How so? What's missing?"

It felt like an eternity before she answered him… "Richard… I want a baby."

****

TO BE CONTINUED…

Disclaimer located at:

http://www.geocities.com/janaonwheels2001/disclaimer.html


	6. Six

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter Six

By: Jana~

*****~*****

--"A baby?" Richard asked in shock… "A baby?" he repeated…

"Yes. And I know you've never been keen on the idea of being a father…"

"It's not that…" he replied quickly…

"It's because I'm disabled, right? Cause I can't make a good mom like this…" she gestured to her wheelchair…

"No, Caroline, its not that…"

"Then, what?"

He struggled with what to say… with how to respond without upsetting her… "You just sprung this on me… is all…"

"Well, so, you would at least be willing to consider it?"

He didn't answer right away… "Well, didn't the doctors say something about you possibly having problems conceiving?"

"Yeah, but, they assumed. I was never tested… and it's not like we've even tried…"

"True."

"And, if I can't… we could… maybe… adopt?" it was more of a question than a statement…

"Adopt?" he repeated…

"Yeah. Infertile couples do that all the time, Richard. It's fairly common…"

He gave her a sideways glance… "I know that, Caroline. It's just…"

"Just what?"

"This is a lot to deal with here. I mean, we've never really discussed having kids before… and I guess I just assumed--"

"What? That I wouldn't want them? Because I'm disabled?"

"Stop putting words in my mouth. I didn't say that!"

"But you were thinking it, weren't you?"

"And now you can read minds?"

"Stop being so condescending! I know you, Richard. I know how you feel about having kids. It would just be logical that you would be glad if I couldn't have kids…"

"Oh, now, wait a minute! That's not fair! Just cause I never imagined myself as a father, doesn't mean I would be happy if you were unable to have them!"

She sighed… "I apologize. The comment was out of line…"

"It's fine…" he accepted her apology, but she could tell he was still hurt…

"Look, we don't have to discuss this now, ok?" she suggested… "We should just enjoy our anniversary… and deal with this later…"

He nodded… "Yeah. Ok…"

She rolled over to the bed and proceeded to climb in… "Coming?"

"In a few…" he muttered… "I think I'm gonna go take a walk…"

"It's, like…" she checked the bedside clock… "Three in the morning."

"Yeah. I know." He grabbed his coat and walked out the door.

She sighed deeply, settling into the covers… "So much for our romantic weekend…" she mumbled to herself, turning off the bedside light.

*****

--Richard returned to the room to find Caroline asleep. He shed his coat and kicked off his shoes, then carefully climbed into bed… hoping to not wake up his wife.

She heard him settle in… sighing as he got comfortable… she knew it wouldn't take him long to fall asleep…

"Sorry I upset you." she whispered, wanting to catch him before he dozed off…

"I know…" he whispered back, wrapping his arm around her… "I'm sorry I woke you."

"You didn't… I couldn't really sleep."

He kissed her hair… "I love you, Caroline, you know that… right?"

"I do… most of the time. I just get…"

"Doubts?"

"Yeah…"

He kissed her hair again, then kissed her neck… "If you want, we'll go to the DR and find out about getting pregnant."

She turned over slightly to look at him… "Really?"

"Yes. Really. I did a lot of thinking while out on my walk. And I decided… the reason for why I didn't want children no longer exists…"

His comment confused her… "What do you mean?"

"I always looked at the world like it was out to get me. Like the world in general was bad and getting worse… but in the past eight years I've realized that… that just simply isn't true. At least, not anymore… and I have you as proof of that. I'm no longer an angry loner, blaming everything bad that happens on some invisible keepers of fate. I'm a husband now… married to a wonderful, caring, nurturing wife. A wife who wants to add a child to our family." He smiled… "What could be so bad about that?"

Caroline was in tears… "I love you. Thank you so much for this…"

He kissed her lips softly… "I haven't given you a child _yet_…" he kissed her again… "But we can sure have some fun going through the motions, yes?"

She chuckled slightly, turning further to face him… "Absolutely."

*****~*****

--"Why doesn't she call?" Caroline asked as she chewed on her fingernails nervously, rocking slightly in her chair…

"Don't bite your nails…" Richard stated, seemingly much calmer than his wife. Truth was, on the inside, he felt anything _but_ calm… "She'll call as soon as she gets the lab results."

"Every minute feels like an hour."

"I know, sweetie."

When the phone rang, they both jumped with surprise. Richard handed the phone to her, and she took a deep breath before answering it.

It was the DR, and Caroline smiled anxiously as she listened… but within a few moments, tears began to fill her eyes, dropping down her cheeks.

She squeezed her eyes shut and handed the phone to Richard without informing the DR she was, certain her voice was gone.

"Hello, DR, this is Richard." ~~ "Yeah, she's a bit upset… she handed me the phone…"

He listened as the DR explained everything to him, and he held Caroline's hand supportively as she wiped at her tears…

"Ok, thank you DR. We'll get back to you…" He hung up the phone, then turned to Caroline…

"I'm broken! I can't get pregnant!" she wailed softly, very distraught…

"There are options though, sweetie…"

"I know. We can adopt, but I was really hoping to be able to _feel _the baby growing inside me--"

"That's not what I meant." he interrupted…

"What?" she asked with a sniffle…

"That's not the option I was referring to." he attempted to clarify…

"It's not?"

"No. The DR used a lot of technical jargon, so I'm not sure about all the details, but apparently, you _can _produce eggs and your uterus is fine. So, what they can do is, take your eggs and my sperm, fertilize the egg, then put the egg into your uterus."

"Like, in vitro fertilization?" 

"I don't know the name for it…"

"That has to be expensive…"

He nodded… "She said it was. But didn't say how much. But, I say, cost shouldn't matter."

"Really?"

"Really." he nodded with a smile…

New tears began to fall, but these were not tears of sadness, but of happiness… "You never cease to amaze me, Richard…"

"I told her I'd call her back if we want to make an appointment to discuss the procedure…" he grabbed the phone… "I'm assuming by that smile that you do."

She nodded, her smile growing wider as he dialed the phone.

*****~*****

--Richard and Caroline sat nervously in the DRs office, awaiting word on the test results…

"Now, try not to get upset if the test is negative, alright?" Richard asked with a caring, supportive tone… "We can always try again…"

Caroline nodded… "I know."

Weeks after their first attempt at getting pregnant, the whole process itself long and grueling, they sat in waiting as the DR ran the lab work for the pregnancy test at the infertility clinic.

When the nurse entered the room, Richard stood and grasped Caroline's hand…

"The DR will see you now…" she gestured for them to follow… "In her office…"

--"The success rate is very high…" the DR explained… "However…"

Caroline tuned her out after that. Tears pooled in her eyes and she refused to blink, knowing if she did, they would fall. They fell anyway, and the DR offered typical condolences and promises of trying again and the odds being better a second time. Richard held her hand, squeezing almost painfully tight.

Richard had agreed to having a child mostly for Caroline's sake, but with the possibility that she was carrying his child, he had started to become excited by the idea. He took the news that the procedure failed hard… but not nearly as hard as Caroline.

They discussed going through the procedure again, but with the cost and strain, physically and mentally, they decided to stop after the second try… successful or not.

--When the second try failed, Caroline withdrew from everyone and everything, crying often and not allowing Richard near her… intimately. In a way, it was like the situation was reversed, and where once it was Richard denying Caroline, it was now Caroline denying Richard…

--He regretted what he had to do. He knew they couldn't go on the way they had been… they way they had been since the infertility treatments failed. He had been putting it off for weeks… he had to just do it. Get it over with. And the pain that would surely follow could happen, and move on into healing…

--"Caroline?" he called to her as he entered their room… she was just lying on the bed… like she did most days…

"Caroline?" he called again… "We have to talk."

She looked up into his serious, sad eyes… she nodded…

****

TO BE CONTINUED…

Disclaimer located at:

http://www.geocities.com/janaonwheels2001/disclaimer.html


	7. Seven

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter Seven

By: Jana~

*****~*****

--Richard sat on the edge of the bed where his wife had taken up residence. She had been there almost constantly since the day they got the second test results after the second in vitro fertilization attempt. Since then she barely did anything but sleep… barely leaving for any reason beyond using the restroom…

"You can't keep doing this, Caroline." Richard informed adamantly… "You can't stop living…"

"You think I want to be this way?" she asked groggily, her words almost slurred… "I can't help it."

"You can help it, Caroline…" he replied firmly… "You've stopped trying."

"Leave me alone…" she groaned, rolling over and away from him…

He turned her back… "No! You're not going to shut me out, Caroline! It's time for tough love!" He pulled the blankets down and sat her up… she did little to fight the action… "I've given you time to grieve. I've given you time to come to terms with everything… I'm not going to let you do this!"

"I wanted a baby, Richard…"

"I know that, Caroline, but, you can't just turn away from 'us' because you couldn't get pregnant!"

"I wanted to be pregnant."

"I know that too, and I'm sorry, but it doesn't look like that is going to be happening." He pulled her clothes off and lifted her into his arms…

"Where are we going?"

"The shower."

"I don't want to take a shower…" she whined…

"I don't care. You're taking a shower. Then, we're going to the DR."

"What? Why?" she asked as he carried her into the bathroom…

He set her on her shower bench and turned on the water…

"COLD!" she shouted, trying to dodge the spray…

He took the shower hose and moved it away while he adjusted the temperature… "Because, you are depressed. You need to see the DR…"

"I don't want to see a DR for that…" She was almost crying…

It broke his heart to see her like that, but he knew it needed to be done… "You need help Caroline! There's no shame in it! And I want my wife back!"

"You can't make me go! You can't make me talk to them!"

Water sprayed him, getting him wet as he struggled to clean her… "No, you're right, I can't. But, Caroline, if you don't talk to them, then, you leave me no choice but to consider leaving you."

She gasped and ceased to fight with him… "You would… leave me?"

He never would. He knew he wouldn't. He couldn't, but he needed to use drastic measures… "Yes, Caroline, I would. When it was brought to my attention that I was neglecting your needs, I made strides to correct the problem. You have withdrawn from everyone! From friends and family and me! If you don't even try, then, I just don't know what good it will do to stay…" He wanted to cry when he saw the sad look in her eyes…

"Alright…" she agreed softly… "I'll go."

*****

--Richard had done the right thing… the DR was a huge help to Caroline. She was depressed. Not uncommon amongst couples struggling to conceive, having their hopes dashed and their money drained when drastic options don't work. The additional hormones used to produce and collect eggs in the woman causing imbalances that often assist the depression… it growing beyond mere disappointment and sadness into a clinical problem.

--She was prescribed medications, and group support sessions were recommended, which she attended weekly. Within a few months, she was much better, and her and Richard as a couple were strong and getting stronger…

--"Hey, Richard, I was thinking…" Caroline stated as she created her latest 'Caroline' panel…

"Yeah?"

"Well, since I'm better and no longer moping and depressed and stuff… why don't we talk about those other options."

"For having a baby?" he asked as he continued coloring the Sunday 'Caroline' strip…

"Yeah."

He finished the section he had been working on, then set his pen down… "Alright."

"Well, adoption is a good option… but, I was thinking maybe we oughta consider a surrogate."

"It's more expensive than adoption."

"Yeah." She agreed… "But, with a surrogate, it's _our _baby. Just grown in a third party uterus…"

He smiled at her choice of words… "True."

"So, would you consider that?"

"Yeah. We would have to be careful whom we choose as the surrogate though. Sometimes, they change their minds…"

"Yeah…" she agreed… "I was thinking of asking… Annie."

"Annie?" he asked in surprise… "Honey, are you sure?"

"Yeah. She's like a sister to me. I know she'd be a good surrogate… and I know she wouldn't change her mind about giving us the baby once it's born. Plus, she lives right across the way, so we can enjoy the pregnancy months. And then, she can see the baby often so she isn't missing him or her… ya'know?"

He nodded… "Alright. Ask her and see what she says…"

"I think _we _should ask her…" she suggested…

He smiled… "Alright."

*****

--"We had something important to ask you." Caroline informed Annie as her friend took a seat on the sofa…

"Sure…" Annie nodded… "What's going on?"

Richard sat in the nearby chair next to Caroline…

"Well, you know how much we want a child…" Caroline started… "And we've tried the in vitro procedures, and we thought about adoption, but, we have another option we're considering…"

"Ok…" Annie squinted as she tried to follow… "And that is?"

"Using a surrogate. My egg, Richard's sperm, a third party uterus."

"And we would like the surrogate to be someone we know and trust…" Richard added…

"Which is where you come in…" Caroline smiled awkwardly… "We would like to ask you-- To see if you'd consider being the surrogate."

Annie's eyes grew wide… "You want me to get pregnant with your child?"

Her reaction made Caroline a bit sad, thinking Annie's tone meant she would never consider it… "It's just, I trust you. And we're so close… physically and in friendship…"

"Wow. This is… such a… surprise." Annie's eyes darted around as her head spun with thought… "You want me to carry your child for you? For real?"

Caroline nodded… "Yeah. And I know it's a lot to ask of someone--"

"Well, it is, but you know I would do anything for you! I love you guys! I'm just… wow. I'm floored. What would I have to do?"

"Well, the DR can explain everything better than I could, but it wouldn't be a lot different from what I went through with the in vitro. They take my egg and Richard's sperm, make a baby, then insert it into the uterus."

"Well…" Annie nodded… "Give me some time to think about it. And talk to Del about it…"

"Of course." Richard replied…

"Of course…" Caroline mirrored…

Annie stood to leave… "I'm just gonna go get started on… thinking…"

Caroline smiled… "Alright." She turned to Richard once Annie was gone… "You think she'll say yes?"

He shrugged, then kissed her hand supportively… "Time will tell."

*****

--Annie had called and asked to speak with both of them… from that alone Caroline knew she was about to announce her decision, since she never asked to speak with Richard too. She nervously waited for the knock on the door, and Richard answered it when it was heard…

"Hey Annie. Come in…" Richard gestured for her to enter as he stood aside…

Pleasantries were exchanged before Annie took her seat…

"I gave it a lot of thought. And I talked with Del about it… and with my mom about it…" she took a deep breath and smiled… "Sure I'll be your surrogate!"

Caroline began to cry, gasping as her hands flew to her face, surprised and thrilled… "Oh, Annie, you have no idea how much this means to me!"

Annie hugged her… "Yes, I do. And I'm happy to do it."

Richard hugged Annie after Caroline… "Thank you for this Annie."

"You're welcome Richie."

*****

--There was lots to do… DR appointments, meetings, discussions about procedures and risks, and possible outcomes. They talked to Annie at length about how she may begin to feel attached to the baby, and would she have a problem giving the baby to the Karinskys if that happened.

So much to discuss… so much to be sure about… but when everything was said and done, the procedure was attempted. Annie got pregnant first try… with twins. A boy and a girl… the sonogram said.

Caroline couldn't have been more thrilled, and Richard was excited too. Finally, they were going to have their children… _plural_…

Right? ……………

****

TO BE CONTINUED…


	8. Eight

**__**

Caroline & Lost Love

Chapter 8

By: Jana~

*****~*****

--"Ok, ok, let's all just settle down…" Richard tried to be the voice of reason, Caroline and Annie both well past that point and well into completely emotional… "Annie, just… here…" he offered her a chair… "Sit down a minute, ok?"

Annie sat down, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her over-sized, long-sleeved maternity shirt, her belly showing her to be the six + months she was… "I didn't mean for this to happen!" she sniffled… "You gotta know that!"

Caroline sat crying, only half listening as her mind replayed Annie's words over and over… 'I don't think I can give up these babies.'

"Just calm down Annie, alright…" Richard soothed… "Getting this upset isn't doing anyone any good."

Annie nodded, taking in deep breaths as she tried to calm herself…

"Annie, hun, you knew this might happen, right?" Richard reasoned… "They told you, you may become attached to the babies…"

"I know! But I wasn't expecting the feelings to be this strong! I mean, come on! It's me! Annie Spadaro! Since when have _I_ ever wanted kids?"

Richard nodded… "I can understand that… and these feelings are normal, but--"

"You hate me now, don't you Caroline?" Annie asked, interrupting Richard…

Caroline sat silent, except for an occasional sniffle, and Richard took the liberty of answering…

"We don't hate you Annie, but, you know, we're going to want our children."

"They're my children too ya'know! I'm, like, the _mom_."

"_Like_ the mom." Richard repeated… "You are the surrogate mother, not the biological mother. _Caroline_ is their mother."

"I'm not just _nothing_ in this!" Annie snipped…

Richard sighed… "No, you're not nothing. We never said you were. But, you can't just deny us our children either. It's Caroline's eggs. It's my sperm. It's _our_ baby. You're like, the babysitter."

Annie leapt from the chair… "Is that all you see me as?! The _babysitter_?!"

"I didn't mean it like that…" Richard corrected himself… "You are _so very _important in this process, but, _we_…" he gestured to himself and Caroline… "Are the parents."

Annie turned to Caroline… "Are you going to say anything?!" she snapped… Caroline just bowed her head, a tear falling on her lap… "Fine! I'm going then!" Annie marched out the door and slammed it.

Richard knelt beside Caroline, taking her hand in his… "It won't happen, Caroline. They are _our_ children. We'll fight if we have to. But, she'll probably come around on her own…"

Caroline just nodded sadly.

*****

--It was more than a week before they heard from Annie again… Richard thought it best to give her time to 'cool down', so they didn't attempt to contact her.

When Caroline opened the door to find Annie on the other side, she was surprised to say the least. She briefly looked back into her apartment, wanting to call for Richard but remembering that he had gone to the gallery…

"Can I come in?" Annie asked softly, shifting uncomfortably…

Caroline nodded and rolled out of the way of the door… "Sure."

There was an awkward silence, Caroline not sure of what to say, Annie not sure of where to begin.

Finally, Annie spoke up… "I was being silly, Caroline…" her voice was quiet, apologetic… she couldn't even look at her… "Of course they are your children, and should be with you." she sighed… "And _will_ be with you." she added…

Immediately, Caroline began to cry…

Annie immediately felt bad, shedding tears of her own… "I'm sorry I put you guys through that." Annie apologized sincerely… "It's just, I can feel them moving…" She placed her hand on her swollen abdomen… "And I watch these shows with babies and stuff… I think my priorities are changing." She shook her head, wiping the few tears that fell from her cheeks… "Where as before, the most important things to me were kick-ass parties and a string of cute men, now I think what I want is a family. But, I need to do that with my own kids… not yours." She scoffed at what she was about to say… "In a way, I envy what you and Richie have. I never have before… but I do now."

Caroline remained silent as tears continued to fall…

"I am so sorry I put you through such grief. With everything you've been through, and I was just being selfish and mean…"

"You weren't being either…" Caroline replied… "You were emotional."

Annie chuckled… "That too. I swear, your kids are doing a number on me!"

Caroline smiled, a slight chuckle escaping… "Yeah, sorry about that."

"So…" Annie hesitated for a moment… "Are we ok?"

"Of course." Caroline replied easily… "I thought I lost two of the three most important things to me…" When Annie looked confused, she clarified… "My kids and my best friend."

"You haven't lost either." Annie assured her, hugging her…

*****

--Richard and Caroline were in the room with Annie when she had her scheduled cesarean, one on either side of her for moral support, and so they could see their babies as they entered the world.

The boy was born first, Richard Jr. Healthy at 6 pounds 8 ounces. Autumn Rose was born at 6 pounds 3 ounces, also healthy. 

--Caroline cried as she held their daughter, watching as Richard held their son awkwardly…

"I feel like I'm going to drop him…" Richard worried… "He's so light!"

Caroline chuckled through her tears of joy… "You'll get the hang of it…" she told him… "And they don't stay little forever."

"I know…" he smiled, "Soon they'll be running through the house and getting into trouble…" He laughed… "I'll have to practice my fatherly voice…" he cleared his throat… "No running in the house!"

She nodded her approval… "Sounds like you got it covered."

"Guys?" Del poked his head in the door…

They gestured for him to enter…

"Annie is awake… back from recovery. She was hoping to see the babies?" It was more a question than a statement.

"Ok, Del…" Richard nodded… "Thanks."

When Del left, Caroline looked to Richard, unsettled… "I knew she would want to see them, but, what if she decides after holding them--?"

"Sweetie, it'll be ok… ok?" He took their daughter from his wife's arms and placed her next to their son in the bassinet… "C'mon…"

*****

--Annie held Autumn as Del held 'little Richie', as Annie called him, much to Richard's displeasure…

"Caroline…" Annie whispered, not wanting to wake the sleeping baby in her arms… "They're beautiful."

Caroline, being the proud parent she was, beamed… "I know."

A tear fell down Annie's cheek… "Thank you so much for letting me be apart of this…"

"Thank _you_,for helping my dreams come true." Caroline started to cry at the sight of Annie's tears, and Del and Richard shared looks, Del then rolling his eyes…

"I was happy to do it! And I know you musta been nervous about letting me hold them, cause of the 'incident' a couple months back… but I want you to know, I will always see these babies as _your _babies. I was just the…" she smiled… "Third party uterus."

*****

--And they lived happily ever after? Well…

Annie was made honorary aunt of the twins, and Del was made uncle.

Del proposed to Annie before the twins turned one, and by the time the twins turned three, they were expecting their first child.

Caroline and Richard moved to a house in the suburbs, and within a year, before little Del Jr. turned one, the Cassidys moved too… three doors down from the Karinskys.

So… they all lived happily ever after? Well, for the most part…

****

THE END

Disclaimer located at:

http://www.geocities.com/janaonwheels2001/disclaimer.html


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